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"I will find a centre in you
I will chew it up and leave
I will work to elevate you
Just enough to bring you down..."
so close to getting done to be around from being around close to closing the party down its raining now and all that shimmered slowed their shimmey and is left and gone no more meaning behind the invite initiated sound the miror image of what was never found here is done is done i will never feel you there's acid in the ground and bleeting cry for minimal horizontal monotony with a stringency enveloping the common simplicity i was wrong for thinking otherwise and i'll take my desires to another town...
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strange as it may seem, the pay-off was extreme, the pay-off was extreme...
...and she hits the ground runnin', hello all, nice to see you again.
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...not that many of you are cool enough to pick up on this but...:
LIFTPOINT IN MILWAUKEE
THE RAVE, FRIDAY MAY 12TH W/ WHITE KNUCKLE TRIP
THE METRO-CHICAGO, SATURDAY MAY 20TH W/ DUNA HILL, SHADES OF FICTION, STATE AND MADISON, AND MORE!!!
...i was just kidding about the "not cool enough" thing...i love you all and your extreme levels of coolness.
please come and support me/them/music in this friggin' city, cuz after all, we built this city, yeah, we built this city, on ROCK AND ROLL!!!!
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...just know...
... that you will lose...
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Wednesday, April 19th, 2006
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***
.the scenery shifts just a little bit but i'm still in the same place evolutions slow turning face may leave me all the wiser but with the same questions unanswered coupled with fruitless wonder.
****
trying to absorb the scenery unsure of why its rejecting me like a water bead in an oil sea i'm trudging vicariously through someone elses fantasy just because it will carry me somewhere that i want to be. i miss my history cuz it never let go of me by thinking and not knowing i cant just walk away. force flashed forward ill never understand this place.
(oddly enough i totally wrote this before i read your messages and i just replied to you and now think "wow, thats...wierd")
***
must have been an environment observance day.scenery.
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Tuesday, April 18th, 2006
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lines on the trees moss on the tree just knows to be in the shade where the sun cant see the cold staring back at me so lovely to feel this way broken by emotion today sickly swayed out of reality cuz its out of my own mind things stacking tumbling rhythmically out of time in his voice this morning he said "sign" and time and magic numbers distinct defined as parameters of cognition controlled and amazed that i can still feel this way today to stay within the indicative of what is right now never moments passed too fast further from the coffee cup sitting on the notebook on my lap i laugh to remain vague about who i truly hate decisions made i relate to someone i dont even know much stronger than an "idealized past" to show for it and entirely supposed to be a concentration fit for actuality when honestly my future is imaginary cant be farther from can be detached and flung from a rooftop maybe a catapult over treetops and roadways into a dirty lake laiden with chemicals and waste and all our indifferences screamed from the shore into her wake just so we can take the pressure of yesterday and throw it away where no one ever knows. we contribute to what affects me without conscious clarity supposing responsibility is someone else's moral duty well here's my hand so just take me there while i blink a stare...
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maybe employed at bodyworks.
maybe gettin' hooked up by one awesome Dr. Jack in A&R land.
maybe less than 60 days to the end of Ft. Awesome but happy to go to new place.
maybe feeling less than usual.
maybe a little disappointed by life lately.
maybe dont care enough to let it bother me, the above fact that is.
maybe wearing a skirt and boots right now.
maybe spend too much time alone.
maybe make too many sacrifices while making 160 mile round trips on the road.
maybe cant decide when its time to decide.
maybe not stimulated by you anymore. yeah, thats right, bored. by you.
maybe want to read this book and understand what it means to be "rational" without any regards to anything outside of my unique existence.
maybe think you're lying when you say you care.
maybe staying in milwaukee for a lot longer than i planned, thought, want...goddamit!
maybe thinking, still, about letting you all wake up one morning to me being gone and discovering my bed cold.
maybe flattering myself by thinking that a "you all" exists.
maybe losing track of time.
maybe tricking myself
maybe losing my edge.
maybe missing "then" a little too much
maybe buying drugs just as soon as the cows come home.
(did you know that if you see a 'daddy-long-legs' spider, get close to it and say 'which way are the cows coming home?' they will lift a leg appearing to be pointing which is cute, but in reality its a reaction of the nervous system arising from sensativity to sound that is not white noise, as their aural systems are one of the most advanced in the arachnid family)
NOTE: THE DRAMATIC BULLSHIT IS OF NO CONCERN TO ME, SO IF I APPEAR TO BE IGNORING YOU WHILE YOU ARE TALKING, I PROBABLY AM, AS I AM NO LONGER WILLING TO PRETEND THAT I CARE. SERIOUSLY, MILWAUKEE+SOCIAL CIRCLES=PEOPLE THAT HAVE BORING ENOUGH LIVES TO CONCERN THEMSELVES WITH THE MUNDANE INTRICATE DETAILS OF THE PEOPLE AROUND THEM. GEESH...
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...struck motionless by time, have been a bottlecap, have been shuddering with confusion, have been a drunken poet, have been an uttered whisper, have been a nightmare, have been a narcoleptic dream, have been the insomniacs disease, have been driven mad, have been the cause of debate, have been let down, have been literally put down, have been disguised, have been lies, HAVE BEEN A HAS BEEN, have been above the tree line, have been out of breath running after you, have been rediculously surprised, have been mislead, have been misspelled, have survived, have been an interlocular, have been the sunshine, have been out of line, have been a thorn in your side, have been speechless, have been divine, have been beaten into submission, have been victim to my own crime, have been the target of my own test, have been turned around on, have been forced to smile, have appreciated it afterwards, have been without you, HAVE BEEN WORSE, have been nieve, have been recently put in my place, have been wondering, have been crying, have been questioning, have been thriving, have been alive, have been alive...
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"And, in fact, we find that the more a cultivated reason devotes itself to te aim of enjoying life and happiness, the further does man get away from true contentment. Because of this there arises in many persons, if only they are candid enough to admit it, a certain degree of misology (hatred of reason). This is especially so in the case of those who are the most experienced in the use of reason , because after calculating all the advanages they derive, I say not from the invention of all the arts of common luxury, but even from the sciences (which in the end seem to them to be also a luxury of the understanding, they yet find that they have in fact only brought more trouble on their heads than they have gained in happiness. Therefore, they come to envy, rather than despise, the more common run of men who are closer to the guidance of mere natural instinct and who do not allow their reason much influence on their conduct."
-Kant
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thin shell.better than that.blinks and stares and surprises around each corner.sure is no ocean.sure is a temptation.sure wish i could be a sensible knave.i dropped a pace and kept it hot.kept it close.kept it.fingered sincerity while selling divinity.countdown continues.decisions depress me.slightly defiantly.ill show you all.someday.i cant believe how you shattered my picture.my idea of reality.that i painted and scribbled with lipstick on a mirror.thats a lie.it was a dry bar of soap.and i'm just a tracer.but damn.now i have to reconstruct everything.and file away these new memories.that are still blowing me away.i wish i could forget how you smiled and bit your bottom lip.
*whew*
the great greatest comedown...
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Tuesday, March 14th, 2006
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i need a fucking job so fucking bad i could fucking slit my wrists and write a fucking emo song 10times about the whole fucking ordeal.
please please please, for the love of fucking christ, let me wake up in madison tomorrow where at least i would find at least 1 fucking genuine person and a welcoming fucking sunrise.
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Thursday, March 9th, 2006
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*
"each does what he does of necissity, not freely, but the first man is more fortunate in that what he must do turns out to be the very thing that he wants to do." -Locke
*
"for whatever lives in time lives in the present, proceeding from past to future, and nothing is so constituted in time that it can embrace the whole span of its life at once. it has not yet arrived at tomorrow, and it has already lost yesterday; even the life of this day is lived only in each moving, passing moment." -Boathius
*
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Monday, February 13th, 2006
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...how i've turned into an conduit for immediate disbursement of karma.
i pray to any god that may or may not be and will fucking scream at the top of my lungs the desire that i never have anything good happen to me ever again. the turn about from good to bad, from joyous delirium to depressed masochism, from the 'finally' sigh of relief to more incidents from which you thought you earned that peace.
*
7daysnonicotine.
*
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Wednesday, February 8th, 2006
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but.not a cloud in the calmest skies.not a peaceless nerve brushed still by comfort and infinite regress of all that onced mattered turning to empty shell.fading what was muttered.to a single simple cell.
*
last cigarette smoked: 37 1/2 hours ago. 32 1/2 more to go and the body waives "goodbye". only 471 1/2 hours before my mind follows. here, at this point in time, we find abolition. one more poison gone.
(--i decided to do this because i cant figure out if i am of any value to those that claim i am. i have already convinced myself that, for as far as family is concerned, i am of value. however, this doesnt tell me that anyone who hasnt been riding this ship since day one would even be able to logically reason if i am of any sort of value to them or not. maybe you want me to be, but how could you ever really know if there's no way of knowing me without the influence of social strategy? therefore, neither one of us knows any more than the other on this question. by eliminating poisons i will discover if i myself am the ultimate cause of what i feel inside me is the disease.--)
*
i want to ask you what you think. fight or flight? i can reason without doubt about each piece. i can see red is red, orange is orange, green is green. i know that if you dont eat for 5 days you will be hungry. i know that if you are starved it is possible that the mind creates delusion. so its possible that if trying to relate to the color green after not eating for 5 days, i just might say its blue. quite to the contrary, i feel that if everything surrounding the nucleus of an event or action or idea makes sense then the nucleus itself should also make sense, inductively perhaps but still logically. there is some sort of paradoxical inconsistency in my situation. i feel strongly that i am happy, i fantasize about a future that encompasses all my personal dreams and feel that for once this is not a fantasy at all, and i have trust. however, i want to regress. i want to be what once i held as my own identity. reckless, indignant, stubborn, passionate to all ends. i want to hold no consideration for anything but myself in a way that damages anything else that stands in the way. these 2 sets of sentiments cannot co-exist. and i cant even explain why one or the other exists in the first place.
*
i think i need to talk to slater.or some unbiased body that can discuss rationalism vs relativism with me.
*
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Monday, January 30th, 2006
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*
i'm just a dissonant chord.
magic is logic that you dont see.
...have-not's like ourselves.
don't got time to sit and lick my wounds, gotta keep movin'.
cant settle for 'cow-mentality' anymore.
*
keep your focus/ school/ music/ success/ happiness/ comfort/ american/ disillusion/ knowledge/ epistome/ definition/ condition/ approach/ decision/ correct/ collision/ refined/ defined/ wealth/ fortune/ smiles/ daydreams/ simplicity/ consistency/ debauchery/ spontaneity/ MATURITY/ completely/ bathroom please?/ hungry/ intimacy/ responsibility/ solution/ direction/ uselessness/ time efficiency/ accomplishment/ seriousness/ foreshadowing/ calculating/ preparation/ subtlety/ fame/ control/ diction/ semantic/ linguistics/ communicate effectively/ independent/ selective/ low key/ down beat/ refill for me/ caffeine/ cigarettes/ will have to go soon if this instinct is true/ & i know it is/ & i know what i'll say to you/ but i dont know for sure yet/ how will all these feelings change when certainty takes claim?/ will my inside fade?/ will a smile replace?/ will i stay genuine?/ i can do anything.
*
either with reason or solely due to derived misconceptions.
enter dilated distraction.
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Friday, January 27th, 2006
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i may never know.
actually, fairly certain that i will never know.
drinking.vanilla.rum.
thinkin' about what that thing in my head that stuck there until i was dead meant.
still no answer.
(and i called him "caida" when i whispered myself out of a dream).
saw you there.
blizzard.blur.stare.
$2,388.04 pay to the order of...
going out to see what will become of the evening, given all the right opportunity.
didn't hear back but i'll see you tomorrow.
see ya in sleep.
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Thursday, January 26th, 2006
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...actually, i really dont think i care enough to write everything i was going to.
in short:
1.) hell has not become me, though i was almost anticipating...no, no, i WAS anticipating.
2.) happy, still so very very concerned with modern mans exestential (holy crap, i suck) dilemma. (thats for you, N).
3.) forgot what it was like to use a few things, like my brain in an extensive absorband manner, and my legs as a form of transportation (woaw, i almost just wrote transformation, which is an interesting thought when put into that statement) rather than something to make hurt so as to draw attention away from body part/organ "x". thank you school school.
4th and final.) slowly but surely detatching. pulling away. cutting the umbilical chord with a bent safety pin. comparitive to the medical practice of relief of migrane-causing tension under the skull via a small bore sized drill hole through the boney plates directly adjacent to the temperal lobe. hmmm....
must.go.read.agazillion.pages.of.philosophy.
and.i.couldnt.be.more.grateful.
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Tuesday, January 17th, 2006
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dizzy. in a way that makes me feel like i'm on a boat. every day lately.
took another "go-until-the-only-pain-you-feel-is-the-throbbing-of-your-legs" walk last night. it worked. i was numb. four or five miles and 3 hours later.
sick with indecision. where's the brakes on this thing? despite the indecision, this decision has to be made soon, or i might just be right back at the beginning again. mistakes rebirthed until i get it right.
sick with worry, outlined with a little panic. possible that my life might change drastically soon here, and i'm ready, whatever the outcome. for chrissake, anything that spins me to the other side of this tree gives a view i can only welcome, even when the truest fear ensues. i find out on friday. "i'm gonna tell her by noon, no wait, by one...by 1:37 exactly, joe.", "well good for you".
i know exactly what i'm gonna say and how i'm gonna say it, hope it doesnt sound as rehearsed as it is.
really wish i knew a way to make the awkward go away. everyone is looking at me like they have no idea who i am anymore. dont give me that shit, you never knew in the first place. much to the opposite, a few have become so close i can actually call them good friends. hi-five to the double-J-and-the-N! they're starting to know, and i smile and am content.
i really dont want you to yell at me/lecture me. i know you want to, but trust me, i've asked all those questions already and have considered every possibility. i know i know I KNOW!!! just give me time to procure a remedy, you of all people should know that i can and will...
*you, ... yeah you. why does this seem fabricated? why does it seem forced? next to her, you're the only person that knows me very very well, and maybe thats why it all feels so odd. telling me something? or not telling me something? silent combat? please, i want to feel free when i see you smile, and i want to see you mean it. should we attempt to fix or just let it crumble and fade away? time time time time time....*
lets make music together. ha! that would be fuckin' great..
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Three Names I Go By
1. K
2. Lady
3. Hey-You-Bitch-Where's-Your-Turn-Signal
Three Parts Of My Heritage
1. German
2. Welsh
3. Scottish
Three Things That Scare Me
1. acting without thinking
2. thinking so much it prevents acting
3. the ocean
Three of my everyday essentials
1. cofee/tea
2. clean socks
3. cell phone
Three things I am wearing right now
1. pants from my sister
2. shirt from my dad
3. scars from fear and question
Three favorite bands/singers/composers (no particular order)
1. Billy Corgan
2. Deftones/Team Sleep
3. Tom Petty
Three things I want in a relationship (Love being a given)
1. Independent Synchronicity
2. Care-free sponteneity (sp?)
3. Inspiration
Two truths and a lie
1. i'm scared
2. if you hurt the few that i love i will slaughter you in the streets
3. i have no regrets
Three physical things about men that appeal to me
1. a strong back
2. 2 feet planted firmly on the ground
3. tattoos that tell stories
Three of my favorite hobbies
1. thinking "what if"
2. writing
3. puffin' with my best friend
Three things I really want to do right now
1. get the answer to this question thats been killin me
2. buy a cheeseburger
3. create a flawless future doused in all the right decisions
Three places I want to go on vacation
1. Scotland
2. Laguna Beach, CA
3. the top of the mountain where i saw it all make sense once
Three things I want to do before I die
1. tell you, in perfect words, exactly how i feel and what i want
2. find absolute happiness
3. raise a child while touring with my band
Three ways I am stereotypically a girl
1. screaming one minute, laughing the next, then come the tears...
2. no skills behind the wheel!
3. i lash out irrationally
Three people I would like to see take this quiz
1. megggggggggggggan
2. meg
3. that hot homosexual female that lives in the south!
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Friday, January 6th, 2006
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public announcement:
1. i cherish you. the sun rises and sets and all this bustle and nonsense fades and rises like the heaving of your breathing when you sleep. masked in what they call 'reality' your actions confuse me as do my own. please walk with me in realizing this, and that i'll love you forever. calling you 'friend' can still be the sweetest words from my lips and the longest forever promise... (thank you for our talk)
2. JOSH AND ANDI RULE!!! i've never been more serious when i've said 'i couldnt have done it without you'. mostly, you guy, made 100% of the trip with me. very good convo that i cant remember, holes burned into cerebral cortex party monster brains and ridiculousness. without the veil of being vague or incognito, you are awesome, and i will tell the world...
andi, seriously, dude... *hazy dazy smile*
3. i regret that you are proving what i had hoped to not be correct about. i regret that you are re-enforcing what some may call my weakest character trait. fact is, i was right, but even still i would urge you to grow some adult cognitive ability and just call me instead of perpetuating the one thing that i approached you in attempt to combat in the first place and you yourself claim to not be an advocate of...
4. yes, i am very happy right now. possibly beyond my better judgment, definitely beyond the comfort of those who love me. but there's so much more to say, isnt there? more to analyze, more to consider, more to place cautious actions upon, but then again, what's the point of living life like that when you can look at all possible outcomes and say 'well, it couldnt produce any worse than what i've already seen'. i say, sometimes, its just worth it to hang upside down from a tree branch until you black out...
FIFTH AND FINAL: i am heartbroken that the one person that i need to talk to will be out of sight and reach and earshot for too long (2weeks). i have to send you overseas with so many questions, with so many thoughts to share. we can read each others minds, i know, but this time that just wont cut it. beyond a few semi-drunken moments, perhaps we'll just slip in a bookmark and meet on the other side with some scribbled notes that filled the meantime and a smile...coffee and cigarettes in approximately 14 days is what i'll wait for...
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